Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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