Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
