I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
