her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
