this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
