I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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