I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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