Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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