3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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