I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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