remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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