why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
