Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
