a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
