Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
