i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
