My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
