I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I am naked and annoyed.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
