I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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