the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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