Non-Jews are for practice
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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