meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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