So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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