I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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