I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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