i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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