I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
