You're completely useless in the revolution.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
