Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
His nipple licking is glorious
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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