Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
