you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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