I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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