I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
