Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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