You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Oh god it's open bar.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
