What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
