When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
