Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
