my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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