Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
