I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
