I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
