proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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