cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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