today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
