The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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