We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
