just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We're not piercing ourselves today.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
