you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
