life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We need to rekindle our bromance
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
